


The House on the Hill

by madammina



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2017-12-24 07:11:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madammina/pseuds/madammina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.  are to go where ever strange things happen.  Getting sent to the backwoods of Oregon SHOULD just be another mission.  They scout, they solve, no problem.  </p>
<p>Then again, they've never actually been to Gravity Falls before, nor have they dealt with something straight out of myth.  </p>
<p>At least Dipper and Mabel are there to help... right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Entering Gravity Falls

The backwoods of Oregon was not high on any agent's “Best Places to Visit For Job Reasons” list. There were many reasons. It was hard to contact people, you really had no idea who you were going to meet, and there were so many variables it was hard to plan. 

So, of course, Coulson's team was sent there. He, Agents Fiz, Simmons, Ward, and Skye were currently cruising in a plane piloted by Melinda May. 

“Why are we going here again?” Agent Grant ward asked as he looked over his gun blue prints. “This is the boondocks-”

“There have been a series of reports about a town known as Gravity Falls. There's been notice of candy eating people, a child psychic who has a few unhealthy obsessions, and-”

“Wait, did you start off with 'Candy that eats people? That's scientifically impossible.” Agents Simmons looked over from her seat, and her romance novel she technically wasn't supposed to read on the clock. “Candy is non sentient.”

“It's called the Summerween Trickster and it comes out on the Gravity Falls holiday known as Summerween. It's been active since the 90's and at least two children have been eaten by it.” Phil Coulson slid over the fuzzy phone camera pictures. The agents gathered around to see some sort of scarecrow with a smiley face. “And, yes, it's been confirmed that it's made of candy.”

“So, candy turns evil.” Skye asked as she adjusted herself to sit down cross legged. “Anything else you want to warn us about?”

“There's been reports of a merman in the pool too. Our cover identity is that of newspaper reporters. We are going to check out several areas...” The rest of the team -save Agent Ward- tuned Coulson out as he continued to outline the plan.   
**  
They landed soon after. Coulson slipped off to organize their home base, while Ward regave the instructions to everyone... so Skye ended up running after Coulson so she could join him in setting up their computers. 

“Why am I with Gideon again?” Melinda May finally said. “He's not exactly my specialty.”

“Well, you're better than any of us.” Ward reminded her as he twitched his hands. “And it'll be more interesting than the pool.” She shrugged, and Ward turned on his heel to walk towards the pool. She shrugged and walked another way. Fitz and Simmons looked at each other, shrugged, and ended up walking towards the town's main attraction, the Mystery Shack.   
**  
“Dipper! Dipper! Have you seen that guy with the accent?” Dipper Pines pushed his twin sister off the   
counter. Mabel just laughed as she landed near her pig. 

“What kind of accent?” he sighed as Mabel began to rub her face on the pig's head.

“British! Or Scottish! And he's older! But I think he's with his sister. Or girlfriend.” She pulled herself back up and sat next to him. “You need to stop reading that book. Our summer is going to pass by, and we won't have a normal bit of fun!”

“We went to a pool, and a fair, and the founder's day, and-”

“And we met mermaids, and traveled through time, and we uncovered an ancient conspiracy. Come on, Dipper, can't we spend some time without anything going on?” Dipper frowned at his sister, which was very easy since she was now laying across his book of Gravity Falls' secrets. “Dipper... come look at them with me!” 

“Fine.” he grumbled as he pulled the book from under her head. She simply rolled off the counter. “Where are they?”

“In the main store, come on! They're tourists! But they are wearing suits! And Grunkle Stan hasn't seen them yet!” Laughing, Mabel grabbed Dipper's hand and pulled him into the shop. “Look, listen to those accents.”

“Those?” Dipper scoffed.

“Yeah, the girl has one too!” She grinned as Dipper put his face next to hers in the display case.

Of course, that was when Waddles decided to knock it over. The man and woman in a suit jumped and tried to adopt a fighting position.   
**  
“Really, prof, why are we here?” Skye made sure she wouldn't bang her head on the table as she started to plug in wires. 

“Stop calling me Prof.” Coulson replied as he looked over his written notes. “And we are here exactly why I said. Something is going on in this town.”

“Then why not send Fitz and Simmons to the arcade?” She grunted as she crawled out from under the table. “They are the tech people.”

“And they are also the best at interacting with people. Let them explore first.” Another page flip, and Coulson subconciously chewed on a pen. Sky rolled her eyes and made sure that the wires were connected. 

“And not you?”

“I'm Generic Man. I think I would actually stick out here.” another page turn. “And you need to figure out how to configure our computers here.”

BANG Skye bumped her head and groaned before shimmying out from under the bed. 

“Well, well, well, Grant Ward... why are you wet?” She asked as she raised her eyebrow and began to sit on the table in the room, before Coulson's glare scared her off to a seat. 

“This is why I'm NEVER taking another order from you again.” Ward threatened as he held up one dripping finger in a soaking coat towards Coulson. Coulson didn't move. Skye, however, leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms as a smile graced her face while she looked towards his midrift. 

***  
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Ward stared down the man in front of him. What was he actually doing there? The clothes denoted him as a lifeguard, but what lifeguard wore clothes like that? All tight and red and... what?

“My name is Grant Ward. I'm a reporter... is that a kid in the pool filter?” Ward turned and stared at the end of the pool, where a fat, little, kid was trying to eat soggy potato chips that had fallen by the filter. 

“He's in solitary in pool jail. Why are you here.” Ward turned back to the man, and reflexively took a step back when the man's face was right in his field of vision. 

“Who are you?”

“My name is Mister Poocheck. What are you doing here?” Another step closer...

“I told you, my name is Grant Ward and I'm a reporter. Gravity Falls is growing known for some odd coincidences. I heard there was a mermaid in the pool, so my team sent me to check it out.” He kept his face flat as he rummaged for his fake ID. 

“Don't give me your fancy ID boy, I want to see you do ten laps!” Ward managed to keep from dropping the ID.

“I did pack my trunks, but they're-”

“Now.” Poolcheck ground the sentence in his teeth. Ward instinctively began to reach for his gun, but managed to stop himself.

“Why do I need to swim, when I'm a reporter.”

“Because Public Pool is the trenches, boy. How should I know to trust some city boy who just waltzes into my area without me knowing him, eh?” Another step, and Ward found himself with his back to the pool. “Swim!”

***  
“So I swam ten laps in a public pool in my suit. Also, my phone is ruined.” Now dressed only in a towel, Ward rested on the spare couch. Skye snuck one more glance at his abs.

“I'll get some rice.” She said as she skipped out of the room, and almost bumped into Melinda May. 

“Can I attack kids?” May asked as she sat across from Ward, realized what he was wearing, then moved next to Coulson. 

“No. What happened?” Coulson moved his laptop farther away from Ward. 

“Gideon is Evil.” She said simply. Coulson opened his mouth, probably to remind her they couldn't judge on their first day, so she plowed on. “He throws fits if his parents do anything out of line- I'm serious. His Mom just mumbles about vacuuming as she does so- the room is covered with stalkery pictures of this girl named 'Mabel' who's name is written out in bedazzled jewels, and he seems to have the town under his thumb. I started to ask if anything had happened, and he started mumbling about how the Pines family causes everything.” She shook her head. “I don't like it.” 

“I got the rice! And Fitz and Simmons are on their way up.” Skye walked into the room, a bag of rice in one hand, and another bag of snacks in the other. “Don't worry, I used cash. Geez.” 

“Thank you, Skye. We're trying to keep a low profile. And credit cards can be tracked.” Another few notes then Coulson shut the laptop. “Are we aquainted with the town?”

“I love this place!” Fitz and Simmons had arrived, Simmons was practically bouncing while Fitz carried a few items that had “Mystery Shack” on them. He dumped them on the last seat, while everyone else- save Coulson- stared at them in angry shock. “What?” Simmons said as she looked around, and finally took in Ward naked with his sopping clothes hung up. Melinda May was twisting a paper towel. Skye was dumping rice into a bowl with a cellphone in it, and Coulson simply sighed and stood up. 

“I take it you found the Mystery shack?” The two stood very straight and nodded as a response. “Well, what did you find?”

“US!” A girl in a sweater bounced onto Ward's armrest. He jumped out of the chair and wrapped the towel tighter around himself. “Hi, I'm Mabel!” Ward didn't say anything, but Melinda was slowly letting out of her attack position as she mouthed Mabel's name. Skye was still dribbling rice into the overflowing bowl, and Coulson was flexing his hands in an attempt to not make a fist. 

“MABEL!” A boy in a pine tree hat ran into the room. “You need to.... I'm so sorry.” He tugged at his blue vest. “Mabel, you can't do this.” Coulson looked at the two, now that they were together, they appeared to be twins. They both had the same brown, untamed, hair, the same blue eyes, and the same general face shapes. But the boy dressed like a boyscout with a pine tree hat, while the girl wore a sweater and shorts. 

“But... accents!” The girl known as Mabel sighed. 

“I'll take Mermando, but these guys are probably like three times your age.”

“Dipper!” She crossed her legs on the arm rest and then folded her arms. The boy known as Dipper took his hat off and put his face into it.

“And we need to get back to the shack. Grunkle Stan will be worried.” He said through the muffling fabric. “Mabel.”

“Fine.” She pouted and slid off the arm rest. “I should introduce myself though! I'm Mabel Pines, and this is my brother, Dipper. Our Grunkle runs the Mystery Shack. Who are you?” She held out her hand to Ward, who took it tentatively.

“My name is Phil Coulson. I'm a reporter for the Oregon Star. Skye and Leo are my photographers while everyone else is my coworkers. We're starting a story on this town. Has there been anything unusual?” Coulson lied smoothly as he knelt down to Mabel's height. Mabel and Dipper looked at eachother for a second, then ran out of the room.

“We'll go after them.” Simmons started to say, but Coulson threw out his hand.

“No, give them a bit. We're strangers here, give them time to adjust. What was the Mystery Shack like?”

**  
“I just don't trust them completely.” Dipper explained as he led Mabel from the room. He glanced at his twin sister, who was busy knitting another sweater, this one with a blue box on it. “Why is there anyone with a scottish accent here? Why is a scottish person on an American news paper? Why would a newspaper send anyone over here? And where are their cameras and microphones? They haven't even interviewed anyone yet.” Dipper pulled a book from his jacket, it had the number 3 written on a six fingered hand.. “It just feels weird.”

“I just want to listen to him talk, if he's not going to hurt me, what's it matter if he's lying about what he's doing?” Mabel asked as walked through the slightly run down lobby of the hotel. 

“Well, if he's lying about that, what else is he lying about?” Dipper responded as he held the door open. “Come on, Grunkle Stan is waiting for us.”  
**  
“So, it's a total tourist trap, but there may be more information there somewhere.” Fitz finished speaking through his pancakes. “There's been reports of something that terrifies people so much they fall into comas that came from there for a bit. Rumors of a kidnapped boyband living there. I think there was something with body switching too...” 

“I don't happen to believe that last one.” Simmons replied over her own pancakes. It's a pity the main restaurant was more of a diner, and they all looked kind of awkward together, as Skye so frequently told them. “There are quite a lot of factors that go into a persons mind, or “soul” in this case and-”

“Lady, stop disagreeing with the accent." Mabel was back, in a new sweater. This one had a cat on it. “You're lucky I'm here with my Grunkle.”

“Mabel, Jenna and Leo have been friends since they were 12.” Coulson cut in over his solitary cup of coffee. Even with that cup, he hadn't really touched it. The others were also squeamish over their food, but too hungry to care. The fact that a cat named “Mr. Catface” was chasing a squirrel along the floor probably wasn't helping it's health code... if they even cared here. “What are you doing here?”

“Eating!” She held up her hands to reveal her cat was on a ball of thread. 

“Mabel, stop bothering the reporters.” Dipper had appeared to drag his sister away. “They can come to the Mystery Shack tomorrow if they want to talk.

“And I'm wondering why you are here instead of at the table.” An old man, but not at all weak and wearing a fez, had come to the table. “Come on you two.” 

“I'LL CALL YOU!” Mabel shouted out as they went to their table a few feet away.   
**  
“What will you do if they show up?” Mabel asked as she worked on knitting a sweater. “If they want to prove something's happening, the book is the easiest way.”

“Not yet.” Dipper shook his head as he flipped through the book again. “We haven't even really shown it to Soos or Grunkle Stan. It wouldn't make sense to just show it to some reporters, if they are even reporters. And who we've never seen before. What if they want to use the knowledge to hurt people? There's a lot of stuff here in Gravity Falls, and not all of it is good.” he flipped another page, and reread the parts on vampires. 

“If they just arrived, maybe they're getting the lay of the land.” Mabel shrugged. She finished her last loop, and turned to turn off her life, but her phone rang.   
**  
“Rules.” Coulson started to say. Skye had already claimed the hotel bed, which squeaked every time she moved. Fitz and Simmons had started to nod off on eachother on the couch. May had already drawn the basic of her paperwork and had claimed the desk. Which left Ward sitting on the seat and looking at Coulson intently. Coulson started to pace slightly. “This is going to be our home base. No one will sleep here, so someone wake up Skye after this is over. Girls get the room across the hall. Boys get the room to the right. Wake up is at 7 AM. Breakfast is at 8. Tomorrow we start casing the town, find out what people want to talk about. Fitz, Simmons, focus on the Pine twins. They seem to like you. Skye, Fitz, and May are our photographers. Take pictures of everything, film and digital.”

“FILM?” Fitz woke up properly at that. “No one uses Film anymore.”

“It also develops differently and we may pick up something with that.” He flicked over his paper as he ran over various pieces of information. “Keep cameras and phones with you at all times. If you can drink, visit the local bars a few times, and-”

There was a knock on the door. Instantly, every agent was up and had their gun drawn, except for Skye who was still asleep and Fitz and Simmons who were not allowed one. Coulson slowly lowered it as he peered through the hole.

“MISTER FITZ! MISTER FITZ!I NEED SOME HELP!” Mabel shouted, but it sounded like she was about to cry. Coulson jerked his head towards the door, and Leo Fitz walked slowly over.

“Mabel, what's the matter.” He said softly. She started to snivel.

“A house ate my friends and I don't know what to do!”


	2. Chapter 2

Leo Fitz opened the door.

 

“Your friends were eaten by a house?”

“What?” Skye had finally woken up, and began to slide off the bed. “What are they doing here?”

“Skye, apparently Mabel's friends were eaten by a house.” Coulson said as he flicked on the kettle in the room. “Tea, Mabel?” Mabel nodded and Coulson began to dig through their luggage for a few tea bags.

 

“Okay, now go over what happened, slowly.”

“I got a call from Candy-” All the agents turned to look at Coulson, who shrugged. “That she and Grenda wanted to come over just to watch a movie, Dream Boy High, so they were coming through the woods since Grenda's mom and dad were visiting friends and Grenda wasn't sure if she could come so they came through the woods and-” She started to hiccup. Dipper pulled himself up next to her on the couch and put his arm around her shoulders while he glared at the agents.

 

“Leave her alone, my sister isn't part of some story.” He held her tighter. “We came to you for help, not to be some sort of side show. And I don't think these questions are relevant. We're going to look for them ourselves.”

 

Skye walked forward and knelt down in front of them. “I know.” She said. “It's Mabel and Dipper, right? Right now, this isn't part of the story we're writing. Mabel, your friends have apparently been eaten by a house. I don't really know how to process this, but I do know that two kids are missing and I'm going to try to find them.” She reached out and put her hand over theirs. “So, can you trust me with that?” Mabel nodded her head, while Dipper softened his glare. “Okay. So, Grenda and Candy called in a forest?”

 

“Yeah, and then there was this roaring sound. But, I heard it from the Mystery Shack too. Dipper and I ran out side to see what was going on, and we saw a house running away from the path that Grenda and Candy use to get to our house and I saw the silhouette had chicken feet and those chicken feet were all over the ground.”

“Milk and sugar?” Coulson asked, but his hand was holding the cup a smidgeon more than what was necessary. Melinda noticed it and glanced at him, but he subtly shook his head.

“Yes please.” Mabel said. Coulson added it and gave it to her in the complete silence after her speech. Another few minutes and then

 

“Why DID you come here?” Fitz finally asked. “We're new here, I'm not sure what coming here would help you with in any way.”

“I think I know what it is.” Dipper finally said. “Have you ever heard of Baba Yaga?”

“No, but it sounds Russian.” Fitz said as he sat down in the chair across from them. “What is it?”

“Well, it's a witch that lives in a chicken legged house and she can eat kids.”He fidgeted, and reached for something under his jacket, but apparently decided against bringing it out. “I don't know what adult to go to. Grunkle Stan doesn't know about any of this stuff, Wendy's a teen so I don't know how Baba Yaga would react to her, and Soos was with his grandma. So, we came to you.”

 

“Sorry.” Mabel muttered as she drank her tea. “What is this?”

“Chamomille. It has soothing properties.” Coulson replied. “Come on, we'll walk you back home.”

“But you don't know your way around here!” Mabel tried to sit up, but the tea started to hit her and she kind of flumped a bit. “Sorry.”

 

“Did you drug the tea?” Dipper asked as he picked it up.

 

“No, why would I? The tea is chamomille. Your sister is losing her adrenaline burst, so her body is crashing to compensate. She'll be find after a nap.” Coulson replied as Skye helped sit Mabel up. “Is there someone I can call? Or should I walk you back to your house?”

“You'd do that?” Dipper looked at him askance. Phil nodded.

 

“I'll carry Mabel if she needs to be carried too.”

“That would be great.” Dipper sighed. “Will you be able to find your way back?”

“He's got an annoyingly good memory.” May finally piped up. “He'll be fine. I assume the rest of us are going to bed?”

“Yes.” Phil said as Ward helped put the half unconcious Mabel on Coulson's back. “ You all know what you need to do. Ward, remind them if any forget. Skye, you're not sleeping here.”

“Why?” She whined, but the door was already closing and May and Simmons were getting ready to leave.

 

**

“You can't go out right now, you know that, right?” Coulson asked as he walked out of the hotel with Mabel on his back. “Not until we meet up tomorrow.”

“Why?” Dipper asked. “We've faced a lot of things on our own. Gremoblins, and Dinosaurs, and the Gobblewonker. We can handle Baba Yaga.”

“And you came to us for help. I don't know who your parents are, but if anything happened to you, what do you think they will say? It's better to wait a few hours until you get sunshine and back up, then we can try to help you and protect you. But we can't do that if you go out in the middle of the night. We shouldn't be out in the middle of the night.” Coulson didn't yell, but a little of his fear shown through. “My family, they came from Baba Yaga territory at least a hundred years ago. I've heard stories, but I always considered them just stories. Let us help you right now.” Dipper didn't say anything as the town grew in their vision.

 

“How long have you been here?” Coulson finally asked as they strode through Gravity Falls' downtown. The city itself was mostly quiet. The bar was decently busy, and an old man with a bandaid on his heard was trying to get a car into a tree. “And is that normal?”

“What makes you think they're still alive? Shouldn't we go after her?” Mabel pulled herself onto the arm rest of Dipper's chair. “What did you two talk about after I fell asleep?” She began to poke him in the arm until he giggled and pushed her hand away.

“Stop it. Anyway, we talked about Baba Yaga. He told me that he knew some stories, so I started to look into it.” He held up the book. “There's not a lot in here, but there's enough. She's more of a force of nature than specifically evil. And she appreciates it if people do work for her.”

“As in, let them go?” Mabel pulled herself up on the top now. “I can see a car pulling into the parking lot. YAY! DISTRACTION!”

 

“No, not necessarily let them go. But if Candy and Grenda are doing her chores, that will buy us enough time to actually find them. Besides, it's a walking house. We can find it, right?”

“Kiss of death, Dipper.” She bounced off the chair now and ran towards the door. “Come on, I see them!”

 

**  
“This place is a tourist trap.” Melinda May muttered as they walked into the Mystery Shack's clearing. A goat wandered around the front yard, the 's' on the 'shack' had fallen off, and there was an outhouse you had to pay to use. Coulson took the time to actually look around the lot since it was dark the last time he visited. Everyone else just waited by the front door.

 

“You're here!” Mabel said as she threw open the door. “Can I have your sizes? I want to knit sweaters for you guys. We can be the Mystery Gang.”

“Wasn't that taken by Scooby Doo?” Dipper asked as he leaned over the counter. “Come on, we should start moving before Grunkle Stan comes back from the tour.”

“Shouldn't he know?” Ward said as he edged away from some sort of skull.

 

“Just Soos needs to know. Grunkle Stan doesn't believe in the supernatural and Soos can cover for us. SOOS! WE'RE HEADING OUT WITH NEWSPAPER PEOPLE!” Mabel shouted into a back room.

 

“GREAT! SEE YOU SOON! TAKE PICTURES!” said a voice which was apparently Soos. Simmons cocked an eyebrow, but Melinda had a sudden revelation and had to cover her mouth to keep from giggling. Mabel skipped out the door, Dipper ran after her, and the agents followed.

 

“So, what are we going to do? I've been in the forest before, I met the-”

“We have our orders for the day.” Ward cut in before someone (probably Skye) could stamp on his foot. “I'm getting the kid in the filter.”

“Orders?” Mabel asked as Melinda knelt down a bit.

 

“Actually, I'm going into the forest. I heard something called Manotaurs live there.” Dipper looked briefly horrified.

 

“No, no, you're not going to deal with the Manotaurs. Manly Dan runs away from the Manotaurs. They are overly manly bullies. They sacrifice their own members to talk to their leader. Their leader pulls swords out of his chest. One is named Pubetar!”

 

“Was this when I was helping Grunkle Stan with his fear of heights?” Mabel asked as she sat on the stump. Dipper shrugged.

 

“I can handle them.” Melinda said as she stood up.

“Oh yeah, and what is everyone else going to do, go to the arcade?” Dipper frowned, only to realize the group was silent. “Oh, you actually are.”

“Just me and Fitz, actually. Something about how game characters are coming to life.” Simmons said as Fitz scuffed his feet slightly.

 

“And I will be checking out the lake. There's been reports there too.” Coulson said as he pulled out his only slightly fake reporter's notebook. “Where are you going?”

“I'll go to the arcade!” Mabel said as she ran next to Fitz. Simmons didn't say anything.

 

“I'll go to.” Dipper said. As he started to make his way over to Fitz and Simmons' corner, Ward intercepted him.

 

“And if you take two different targets, you can get even more information to share. Being with your sister will just have repeat information. And why aren't you chasing after your friends?”

“It doesn't matter where we look as long as we're all looking.” Dipper steeled himself against Ward, and Mabel ran away from Fitz to stand between her brother and Ward. “And because we're kids. I want to help, but I don't want to get eaten either. “

 

“Look, if you don't want my brother around, just say so. But then I'm leaving too and we're going to find Baba Yaga by ourselves!.” She straightened up. “We can do it. Come on Dipper.”

“It's not that.” Skye said, as Melinda May grabbed Ward's wrist to stop him from moving. “And you just claimed you didn't want to get killed! Melinda May doesn't know the Manotaurs, Dipper does. You want to hang out with Fitz, who's heading to the arcade. What if we meet up at lunch, and everyone decides who they are taking where next. Okay?”

 

Dipper and Mabel looked at eachother, and shrugged.

 

“Fine, for now.” Dipper said, and ran off towards the woods with May following at an easy jog.

 

Everyone split up, and went to face the town of Gravity Falls.

 

**  
“I respect your swimming skills. What are you doing here?” _Click_ Mr. Poolcheck was suddenly looking down the barrel of a gun.

 

“Let the kid out of the pool filter.”  
***  
“Mabel?”

“WENDY! I have a British guy!” Mabel ran over to a girl with red hair by the local fighting game. “His name is Fitz and he's a newspaper man! Whatcha playing?”

“Oh, Fight Fighters. I found a secret code by the machine, but I want to use Doctor Karate for a bit first. Only a last resort, you know?” Wendy twiddled the joystick and Simmons discreetly took a picture of the side of the machine.

**

“Are you supposed to be doing that?” Skye asked the old man who lived in a junkyard. “Because, if you move the power coupler to the right, you might be able to eek more power out of this old battery.”

“Well, you seem to be right, darn tootin. I'm Old Man McGucket. Inventor and Town cook.”

“Skye, Hacktavist.” She smiled, but pointedly avoided his outstretched hand. “Let's check out what you're using to power this machine.”  
**  
“We will accept you if you can beat our best warriors. However, as you are a puny female, I doubt that will be the case.” Dipper had to admire Melinda May. She had come face to face with the Manotaurs, and had not flinched. There had been some blinking, sure, but all was.... did she just flip Testosteraur?”

“Girl's have a different center of gravity.” Was all May said, before punching Pituitaur.

**

Coulson was happy to go to the lake alone. Aside from the chance to actually drive through the forest, he could sit alone in Lola for the first time in a while. And with no one touching her either. As long as he took care, the salt shouldn't wreck any trouble on-

Coulson's brain shifted as he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Pretending not to notice, he casually reached for his phone as he sped towards the lake.

 

Then the house crashed into the middle of the road.

 

Lola screeched and swerved to a stop, and Coulson set the emergency tracker on his phone off before he got out of the car and walked towards the house.

 

“Mine.” A voice whispered “What are you doing here? You are mine.” And a large hand reached for Coulson, and dragged him inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long. I was unhappy with some things so I had to rewrite it. Also, starting next chapter, Dipper and Mabel should be getting an increased role. I'm sorry for sidelining them. And yes, there's a reason why Coulson was taken, I'm trying not to invoke the Worf Effect.


	3. Chapter 3

Skye walked into the jail carrying a bucket of popcorn. She smiled as she popped a piece into her mouth and looked at the man attempting to do pullups in the cell. “I had a bet with May if you would pull your gun this trip.” She said as she settled down on a nearby chair. “She owes me ten dollars.

“I hate you.” Grant Ward said as he glanced at her. “Where's everyone?”

“Oh, they're coming. I think we all got the call at around the same time.” She said as she ate another piece. “Did you really threaten the pool guy with a gun?”

“I have pictures. He did.” Fitz and Simmons strode into the cell, followed by Mabel. “Did you know they have Fight Fighters here?” Fitz followed up. “Oh, and their version of Nort is destroyed.”

“Why did he threaten someone in the first place?” Mabel asked as she sat next to Skye and started to eat popcorn. “Why does he have a gun?” 

“MELINDA JUST CLIMBED LEADERAUR AND KNOCKED HIM OUT! IT WAS AWESOME!” Dipper ran into the room as Melinda May walked in, blushing. “Oh, and we may be banished from the mountains by Gravity Falls.” Out of his line of sight, Simmons looked relieved at the sudden change of subject. 

“Why?” Mabel asked as she started to throw popcorn into her mouth. “Can they not take being beaten by a girl?”

“Exactly. Where's Coulson?” May asked. “He should have been here first.” Everyone looked at eachother a second. But before they could ask anything, the shepherd and the deputy walked in jangling their keys. Everyone started to shift slightly, except for Mabel and Dipper who glared at them a bit. 

“Well, Poolcheck says he doesn't hold a grudge at the moment since you didn't disrupt the pool.” The police chief walked into the room swinging a set a keys. “you city boys can go.” 

Skye grabbed Ward before he could start having a good “talking to” the police.  
**  
“So, this Coulson guy, is he your leader or... you guys are looking worried.” Dipper finally asked. 

“Phil Coulson has an excellent sense of trouble. If he doesn't show up before it starts, he arrives slightly after. He should have been here by now.” Simmons was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of the police station. “Should we go looking for him?”

“I can track him.” Skye offered. “or his cellphone anyway. “

“I looked up some stuff on Baba Yaga last night.” Dipper offered as he followed them to the hotel. He took out the notes from his jacket pocket. He glanced at the gel pen notes before glaring at Mabel, who suddenly became interested in knitting another sweater. . “She's more of a force of a nature, she is a bit finnicky, sometimes helps, and she is in charge of the dead, so all in all, we should be good.”

“Woah, you guys got tense.” Mabel said as she stumbled into Fitz. “Something wrong?”

“Coulson died for a short amount of time last year.” Ward replied, then started to run towards the hotel, the agents followed with Dipper and Mabel straining to bring up the rear.  
**  
“Grenda, he's coming around!” Coulson opened his eyes to find himself looking into the face of a young girl. He would get a better look if she wasn't so close to his face “Hello, my name is Candy.” She straightened up and smiled at him. 

“I'm Phil.” he said as he sat up. “I was looking for you. Mabel's worried.”

“I told you she was!” A masculine voice in girl's body walked over. “I'm Grenda.” 

“I figured. Where are we?” Coulson rubbed the side of his head as he stood up, and promptly grabbed a nearby chair as the floor shifted with him and a few plates fell off a nearby shelf.

“I do not know. We were going to see Mabel but we were eaten by this moving house.” Candy said as she sat down on the floor, ignoring the carpet that blew up dust with every jolt. “She is alright?”

“She's fine, Dipper is fine, we will get out of this soon.” Despite the size of the house, the furniture was all people sized. Or at least what he could see seem people sized. Coulson walked over to the table, grasping at the wall to offset the jolting travel, but before he could look around the house(though the table had a nice wood stain) an incredibly tall, bony, and gangly woman descended from the ceiling and landed in front of Coulson.

“You are not Russian?” She hissed. He shook his head.

“No, no, I've had some family from Polish area, but that's not Russia unless you count it being taken over by the USSR, and my family came from Poland around 100 years ago anyway.” 

The woman blinked. Her eyes were the palest blue. “But you are mine.”

***  
“Okay, well, do we have any way to track him down?” Dipper was flipping through his book again. Not that he particularly fond of the this Coulson, but you don't let people be mind controlled. Especially when you can help. And people don't mind taking a few minutes out of their search so you can run into your room to grab items no one should really know about. “There's not much about death in general in here, just she kind of guards the souls. Kids are taken because they are good servants, apparently, and they are... very protective of dirt? Well, their dirt. Plus they can cast spells.”

“Emergency tracker on the phone is on. Looks like he's stuck between here and the lake. He's not moving though, why isn't he moving?” Skye clicked on something on her computer. “Come on, we need to leave. His phone isn't moving, and that's in the middle of nowhere.”

“You need someone to pull you through, and that's us! Besides, that's on the way through the forest to the Lake ” Mabel took her place in front of the door. “We know our way around town. We know the way there. We know what's out of place. Like the fact that Gideon is creepy!”

“Like the fact we know about the Baba Yaga.” Dipper said a bit louder as held his book close to his chest. Behind him, Mabel nodded. 

“Fine.” Ward grunted. “But you can't slow us down.” 

“We're going to be reporters!” Mabel shouted. Laughing, she ran out of the room with the rest following her.

“How well do you get along with her?” Ward finally asked Dipper after a second past. Dipper just smiled.

“Best friend in the world.”  
**  
“Mabel, do you really think they're reporters?” Dipper whispered. “This all seems very weird.”

“I know, but we're going on an adventure with people, and they get to share it with us.” Mabel said as she continued to run... and thoroughly enjoying the fact her sleeves were flying back in the wind. “Wow, look at that car!”

“Why is there a small eagle as a bumper sticker?”

“Don't know, don't care. Car is five miles that way. I am well aware most of you can run, but we have children with us and I am wearing heels.” Skye rambled off as she slid into the back of the car holding some sort of tracking device. “Fire this up!”

“I'M the boss when Coulson's not here. A...May. Turn on the car.” Ward pouted in the shotgun position. Dipper and Mabel did a little dance in the back before Simmons pulled them down and tried to buckle them in.

“We're twelve, we can do it ourselves.” Dipper muttered. Mabel just buckled herself, and threw her arms up in the back seat.  
**  
“How long have you been in these woods?” Coulson asked as he tried to make himself useful. Namely by attempting to make cookies when he couldn't read the ingredients. He knew he should have studied Cyrillic harder. Then again it was just a distraction as... Grenda knocked over yet another chair while Candy checked the walls for a secret exit. 

“Long enough.” Baba Yaga hissed. “I have watched everyone arrive. From Quentin Trembly to you, Philip James Coulson. I have seen conspiracies unfold, monsters destroy, and deals made with demons. People have come, and have only left in boxes. Those you call monsters used to roam more of the hills, and now it is only me, the Manotarus, the gnomes, and the occasional fairy and mermaid. I have not seen the Gobblewonker in millenia. Then you, the not zombie arrive.”

Coulson flinched.

“I do have plans for you. Provided you didn't touch my dirt.”   
**

“Is that Lola?” Skye asked as Melinda May screeched the car to a stop. Dipper was out first, but was quickly outrun by the others until Mabel was the only one behind him... because she had caught herself up in the seat belt. 

“DIPPER!”

“Coming, Mabel!”   
**  
“He left his cell behind? He's not that old.” Skye picked up the cell carefully. “He must have known something was coming.”

“There's gigantic holes on either side of the woods, he knew something was coming.” Dipper was there, Mabel at his heels. “Unless the Gobblewonker got up out of the lake, there isn't much that could make that big of a dent.”

“What's a Gobblewonker?” Fitz asked.

“Something that isn't real. Duh. We got photos of Old Man McGucket working on it!” The agents just looked at Mabel. No one noticed the trees swaying in the windless weather.

 _Crash_  
**  
The large wooden house on chicken legs settled down in front of the astonished group, the door – painted an odd blue – opened and a gangplank of sorts rolled out. 

“MABEL!” Two girls ran out, and Mabel ran towards them. The agents ignored them and began to walk towards the house. Skye started to reach out towards it. 

“CANDY! GRENDA! Oh I'm so glad you're alright!” Mabel squealed and wrapped them up in a hug.

“So, is Candy a cannibal?” Simmons whispered as she did a double take. Fitz sighed and rested his head on her shoulder. “So, she ISN'T a cannibal?”

“... Oh.” Dipper muttered as he checked something in the book. “No, no, the Sumerween Trickster was actual candy. That no one liked. Don't ask.” 

“Mister Ward?” Coulson walked out of the house now. Even Dipper, could tell Coulson was slightly stilted. “For the sake of simplicity, I've made a sort of contract with an interested party for the foreseeable present. I'd like you to meet Baba Yaga. She wishes to speak to you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I ran into a story block. It's better now. Anyway, we're getting near the end. Once this is done, I can start uploading "Here Comes the Bride"! 
> 
> And can we clap for how Agents of SHIELD is improving? Because, really, it's pretty good now. 
> 
> Please critique, I like to know how to improve. 
> 
> Thank you for waiting it out!

A few minutes later, the agents, mystery twins, Grenda, and Candy were back in Baba Yaga's house. She stood up to her full height this time, and even with her knobby knees she was tall enough to touch the ceiling with the tip of her wide brimmed witches hat. 

“What are you doing, Agent Coulson.” Ward whispered as soon as he dragged Coulson over to a far corner. “I've read your file, what they showed me anyway. You don't switch teams like this.”

“I'll explain part of it in a second, but it was the best option to get Grenda and Candy out. I'll get out of this eventually.” Coulson replied as he gently lifted Ward's hands off of him. “How is everyone?”

“Slightly terrified.” Ward admitted. “May's dealing with it the best, you know how she is, but Fitz, Simmons, and Skye are doing what they can to keep busy.” Ward said as he folded his arms. “You sure you're okay?”

“Yeah. If I can't leave, take care of them. You and May.” 

“My Philip! Come over here. You need to explain.” Baba Yaga sounded liked branches creaking and rivers burbling, but Coulson walked over to the table, and sat down. 

“As you wish.” He said. “I have briefly contracted myself to Baba Yaga in exchange for Grenda and Candy's freedom. And I died briefly, so that gives me an advantage in the contract which none of you can do.” He straightened up in a 'So don't even think about it' pose. Everyone ended up nodding. “Baba Yaga has been living here in Gravity Falls for several centuries. She tends to keep out of the way. She's more of a nature spirit, and has been in charge of getting Gravity Falls ready each spring. There is some sacrifice involved by by the local magical population, but it's more of herbs and other items for spells with the occasional food substance.” 

“Like Waddles? My pig?” Mabel interrupted as she slammed her hands on the table. “because she is NOT touching my-”

“As long you don't let him outside with a chicken, he'll be safe. If I may go on. She draws her power from a special area that she takes care of. It's got some dirt, some trees, some flowers, and a brook. Someone took her dirt and as a result she can not work her magic. Gravity Falls is going to die.” 

“No, that can't be true. Gravity Falls has lots of people. And-”

“Do you really think the people do not know about me, one of the pine tree?” Baba Yaga knelt down on her bony legs to look Dipper in the eye. “Some sacrifices are from them. Others are not. The rainbow star man with the white hair took my dirt for his magic. I need it back. If I do not do so, then the trees shall whither, the streams shall evaporate. The animals shall leave as the town decays and turns to scrap. Then the plagues shall come, sweeping through the town as I get my magic from devouring your bones.”

“AND, she would very much like to get her dirt back.” Coulson overrode Baba Yaga's continued whispered threats. “And until she does, I'm bound to her.” 

“Well, let's get started then.” Dipper said as he tried one of the cookies sitting on the table, and then spat it out. “Ugh, who made these!”

“I did. My Cyrillic is rusty.” Coulson admitted. Dipper gave him a raised eyebrow. 

“You mixed up the baking soda and the vanilla. Common mistake.” Grant said after he spat out his own cookie. 

“If we can get off my baking skills in another language and move onto who messed with Baba Yaga's dirt and why, that would be quite nice.” Coulson said after staring at Ward.

“We don't really need to.” Dipper said with a shrug. “Rainbow star with the white hair? That's Gideon. Why is she smiling?” Dipper asked as he stared at May. 

“I met him earlier today. We didn't hit it off.”

“Oh that's great. Everyone in town loves him and I have no idea why.” Dipper sighed in relief as Mabel frowned and pulled into her sweater. “Okay, but we can't just say walk up and say ' You have a mythical beings dirt.' It doesn't make any sense out of context. It barely makes sense in context!”

“Tell me more about this... Gideon.” Skye said as she looked over her phone. “What does he do?”

“He says he's a psychic. But he's a big jerk! And a fraud!” Mabel said as she flapped her sweater arms. “I don't even know what he does and-”

“The point is, we can't, er, interview him.” May said as she leaned forward. “We need him to give up.”

“Easier said than done.” Dipper muttered. “Can we sick Baba Yaga on him?”

“Insolent child! I am nature itself. The boy has trespassed on my grounds but I shall feast on his soul when it matures for I am not some dog that you-”

“I think that's a no.” Coulson interrupted again. 

“Did she just say 'feast on his soul?” Mabel whispered to Candy and Grenda. They nodded, and backed up a bit. 

“Let's just focus on finding the dirt first. Once we figure that out, then we can deal with Gideon. Deal?” Skye said from her side of the table. Everyone else nodded. “Great! A.C? Bake us some new cookies.” 

“No.”

**  
One batch of cookies later- and Ward nursing some cookie dough knuckles- the new group sat outside of the hut. 

“So, we need some way to take Gideon down, without him know what is going on, or that we're behind it?” Mabel asked as she stuffed cookies into her sleeve. 

“Or we can tell him outright.” May suggested. “Let him know we know what he's doing.”

“He wouldn't care.” Dipper shrugged. 

“Does my Philip have a plan?” Baba Yaga asked as she tentatively began to try the cookies. “Maybe I shall keep you as a cook.” 

“Oh, I'm not that good. And no, I don't. Then again, plans can often go south easily.” He tapped his cookie against the plate. 

“I'm surprised you haven't asked about Lola yet.” Skye muttered as she tried to eat another cookie.

“I can't. Part of the contract. I get more of a singular focus. It'll clear up once I'm released.” He replied. “And Baba Yaga will release me.”

“I shall release you when the bargain is fulfilled.” She waved her bony hands. “My Phil, why do you fear so?”

“I GOT IT!” Skye jumped up, spilling crumbs from her lap. “We'll have Phil, er, Coulson threaten Gideon!” 

“And how will that help?” Fitz asked as he rescued her cookies that fell on the ground.

“Because he'll be representing Baba Yaga! Can you preform magic?” She turned to Coulson, who looked at Baba Yaga.

“If my Phil has magic.”

“I can pull a few coins out of my cousin's ear. That's it.” He shook his head. “But nothing that can impress a stage magician.” 

“I like your plan, not my Phil.” Baba Yaga said as she crouched in front of Simmons. Ward heard her gulp. “I shall loan him some magic.” 

“That might not be necessary.” Coulson started to say, but she had already gestured him inside.  
***  
They made quite a group walking through the town. Well, if anyone had scene them. Baba Yaga's house still draped itself in herbs whose pungent scent would be keeping the Agents and the mystery twins away if they didn't need to take this trek. 

“I wish Grenda and Candy were here.” Mabel muttered through the sweater pulled over her nose and mouth. 

“Do you think they WANT to be here?” Dipper muttered back. “They were almost eaten. Let them go for now.” His hat was practically bound to his mouth and nose. He glanced behind him. Coulson acted like he strode down the street bound to mythical beings who gave off the scent of dying plants and animals every day. Skye had cannibalized a scarf and her perfume. Fitz and Simmons were sharing a gasmask. Ward and May were staying FAR upwind. 

**  
“Well, well, well, the Pines have brought some friends.” This had to be Gideon, short, white hair, making May crack her knuckles.

“Good afternoon. My name is Phil Coulson. I would like to talk to you for a bit.” Coulson stepped out from the side of Baba Yaga's house. 

“And why should I?”

“I'm Baba Yaga's representative.” Was the quiet response. Gideon frowned. 

“Alright, come on in.” He sighed as he kicked the door open. “FATHER! WE HAVE GUESTS!” 

“Can we watch this?” Ward asked, still upwind of Baba Yaga. 

“He's not going to beat him up.” May replied, her arms crossed as she looked ahead. 

“I would've.” Mabel said as she snuck up to the window. “But he was wearing an amulet that basically gave him telekinesis and basic mind control.”

“I KNEW TELEKINESIS EXISTED!” 

“Ignore Skye. What's this about an amulet?” Ward knelt down to look at Mabel. “Tell me everything.”  
**  
“So, do you want some tea? Coffee? Secrets to why you're here?” Gideon leaned over the table. “You know something. I know it.”

“I walked next to Baba Yaga on my way up to your house. Yes, I know things. I know quite a lot of things, but most of those aren't important right now.”

“What gives you the right to negotiate like this.” Gideon said as he took a sip of coffee with his pinkie out. 

“Baba Yaga is the protector of the dead. I have made a deal with her. Put it together.” Coulson said with his hands resting comfortably on the arm rests of the chair. Not that he cares now. Not that he notices the strange stars emblazoned on the walls and table cloth. Not that he notices the blues that repeat all over the house and Gideon's clothes. Not that he cares about the eyes painted in the middle of each star. 

“Is that why you're not eating?”

“Yes. She knows you took her dirt, and she wants it back.”

“Well, I can see that.” Gideon sighed as he pulled a small bag from the inside of his suit pocket. “But, you see, I was thinking. She's probably the most powerful being inside Gravity Falls. And, well, this dirt is her power and her will. Why else is she spurning her secrecy to bring it out?” He dangled it in front of Coulson, who kept one eye on it while watching Gideon. “So, here's my deal.” He poured some dirt out. “Actually, there isn't a deal. Kill Dipper Pines and Stanford Pines, and I'll make her let you go.”

“No.” 

“WHY NOT!” Gideon slammed his hands on the table. Coulson didn't flinch as the china clinked. 

“Because I do not serve you. I serve Baba Yaga.”

“We'll see about that.” Gideon muttered, but before he could go on, May kicked the door down with a CRASH.

“Baba Yaga just made a storm.”

“I can sense that.” 

“And it's just as I told her too. You see, Cale-”

“Coulson”

“Whatever. Whomever controls the dirt controls her. You serve her, right? Better do something quick.” Gideon leered as May grabbed Coulson, and fled.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the final chapter! Thank you for being so patient with me between releases, and as characterizations have changed to be more in line with the show.

“So, can you calm her down?” Fitz asked as he futzed around his clothes, until his hands finally found a pen he clicked mercilessly. Simmons grabbed it after ten seconds. 

“Nope.” Coulson replied as the wind storm whipped around them. May ducked as a branch flew over her head. Ward grabbed Mabel before the wind took her off. Skye ran back towards a tree. “And it appears I'm still contracted to her.” 

“So, you don't care if a chunk of rock beheads us?” Skye yelled from her position in the tree. 

“Okay, we got ya.” Simmons whispered as she grabbed onto Dipper. Fitz wrapped his arms around Simmons waist. 

“I'd be more worried about the lightning that's going to hit soon, Skye.” Coulson shouted back. “And, no, not particularly. Though it is apart of my contract to calm her down. Gideon has the dirt, he wants to control her.” At which point, something hit is neck, his vision went black, and May caught him. 

“Nice punch.” Ward nodded. May just hoisted Coulson over her shoulder and marched back to the hotel.  
**  
“Coffee.” May thrust a cup into Coulson's hand. A bird hit the window with a thunk, and Fitz and Simmons were busy trying to figure out a way to keep Dipper and Mabel down once they went back outside into the weather. “Like it or not, you're going to be the catalyst here. Drink it. Gideon is used to magic, he used to have some form of basic mind control. You're the bridge. Be it. You are forced to care about Baba Yaga, do this for her.” 

“And can you do anything about the rain?” Mabel asked as she looked out. “The town may be flooded soon. Dipper, what are you up to?”

“Looking up beings with Nature magic, maybe we can counteract Baba Yaga enough to give us an opening.” The paper crackled as Dipper flipped through it. “Why is there a page on demon sandals?” 

“Um, I have an idea.” Skye spoke up from her rice and gadget filled corner of the room. “We really just need a distraction, then Phil can go in and get the dirt. If he's got a connection to Baba Yaga, then he'd be able to find the dirt the fastest, right?”

“That makes sense.” Dipper said, his hand over the picture of a gnomeish creature who curses people for thanking him. “But we would need something that's really strong and really stupid.”  
***  
“Oh Great Leaderaur!” Dipper shouted to the room of overly muscled minotaurs. “I, and Miss Melinda May, have come to request your help! And... and it will help prove your manliness!” He peeked out at the surrounding crowd. At least two were eating flies they picked from the manotaurs around them. The group in the back seemed to be starting a brawl, if those shouts were anything to go by, and judging by the scent of jerky, it was probably dinner time. 

“Does it have to do with Baba Yaga? Because we don't beat up girls. That is the only reason why Melinda May isn't being hurt.” Pituataur exclaimed, his legs apart and a spear stuck in between them. “though she could probably take us.” A mumble went around the room indicating they all agreed on that front. 

“Yeah, she could, but yes. It has to do with Baba Yaga. We can stop her, but we need someone to distract her. You guys are the strongest beings around. You could take her. The Spirit of Nature and Death.” Dipper pitched. He spread his hands wide and glanced to see what May was doing, which was nothing. 

“Is she in her right mind? Because she's normally very... quiet.” Pituataur sniffed. “Though if she wishes to start being an, er, womanatarus, we won't mind!” The manataurs began to cheer. “But only if she's sane. It isn't manly to beat up on people who aren't in their right mind, and are girls.”  
**  
“Baba Yaga! Please calm down!” Coulson pleaded as rain struck around him. Her howl in response left the hair standing on end. “Gravity Falls is not the one who hurt you!” Mud sloshed around his shoes, not that he cared. Simmons had holed up by one of the trees, and was avoiding squirrels flying through the air. 

“BRANCH!” Fitz shouted as he ran towards a house to raid for tech. 

“Dinosaur? Wait, what?” Still, Skye managed to avoid the T-Rex that was being drawn up into the new cyclone.

“Yeah, we found them encased in amber! A pterodactyl stole Waddles!” Mabel shouted from her position in a tree. “Face it, Gideon! Gravity Falls will NEVER fall to you!” The wind pushed her out of the tree, and Ward caught her.

“And if you want to rule it, then how can you if it's destroyed!” Coulson dodged a rock as he tried to make it towards Gideon. 

“Not my problem, Zombie boy.” Gideon shouted from a rock by his house. “I do hope you have a plan though.”

“Well, if Gravity Fall is destroyed, that won't help you much, will it? And I'm not a zombie.” 

“Just make things easy, Zombie boy.” Gideon hollered back.

“He does realize you are... an age that I won't repeat.” Skye said in an attempt to save herself. “Point is, boy is insulting.”

“Point is, you're supposed to be trying to slow her down.” Phil replied, as he dodged a large chunk of mud. 

“You're the one with the connection to her! You slow her down!” 

“Well, I can't actually hurt her.” Was the flat reply. 

“What, is that the contract or the fact you weren't raised to hit girls?” Skye shouted back, then glanced to the tree. Simmons was sneaking slowly towards the window of Gideon's house. 

“Well, what do we have here.” a green light glowed around Simmons, who shrieked as she was pulled away from the window. “Are you trying to sneak into my house?” 

“Well, yes.” Simmons admitted. 

“Simmons, no!” Skye shouted as she a cloud opened up over her head. “Oh for goodness sake, I JUST REAPPLIED MY MAKE UP!”

“I shall never ever tell you about my plans! Never!” Simmons shouted as she tried to keep her skirt flat against her legs. 

“My dear girl, I'm glad to know you have a plan.” Gideon brought her down to stroke her cheek.

“NO! JEMMA! GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER YOU!” But Fitz got trapped in the green light too. 

“Oh, dear, do we have a pair of young lovers here?” Gideon laughed as he held onto his green tie. “I mean, really, what does... why is the ground shaking?”

Coulson, Skye, Fitz, Simmons, and Gideon turned to look towards the center of town. Past the howling winds of Baba Yaga, past the town hall straining at it's foundation, past the people hiding in their houses. The ground rumbled. The howling of something came a long way off, and a rush of brown came down the main street. 

“What is that?” Asked Ward as he emerged from next to Gideon's house. 

But he had his answer. As the thundering roar drew closer, the bulking shapes of the Manotaurs were easy to see as Dipper led them as their second in command. He had swapped out his shorts and vest for a loincloth and body paint. But he wasn't in the lead.

May was.

“GIDEON IS IN CONTROL!” Skye shouted to them as they drew closer. “IGNORE BABA YAGA!” May nodded, and backed off slightly, pointing towards Gideon. 

“NO! NO!” Gideon snuck under the manotaur's hooves and waded through the mud until he found his way to his door. With a laugh, he threw it open.

“I HAVE IT! I FREE BABA YAGA!” Mabel stood there, laughing in the storm. Leaves flew by her face and rocks started to fall in front of her towards Baba Yaga's house. 

“Mabel, my sweetness, what are you doing? Do you know what you're doing? How did you-”

“Well, I've been inside your house before! So... I know where you would probably keep everything. Coulson's the obvious choice, so we went with the one you wouldn't expect. Mr. Ward helped me get in the window! By the way? Those dolls? Creepy. BABA YAGA! In return for your dirt, I request that you don't harm my family, friends, or pig. Deal?” The water ceased, the wind died down, and May caught Fitz and Simmons as they fell from the green glow. 

“They were never in any danger anyway, Mabel Pines of the Shooting Star.” Baba Yaga leaned over with her huge, boney, limbs and grabbed Gideon from the middle of the manotaurs. “Does he count as a friend?”

“NOPE!” 

“Good. I could use a servant.” She threw Gideon into her house. “Phillip Coulson, My Phil, I free you from your contract.”

“Oh thank goodness.” Phil slipped to the muddy ground, but Skye managed to grab a hold of him. “Is everyone okay? Where's Lola? Fitzsimmons? May? Skye? Are you all hurt?” He grunted softly as he pulled himself up. “I'm sorry I was-”

“Hey, A.C. It's cool. Lola is by the forest and we're all okay. Honestly, the fact that May can carry both Fitz and Simmons is actually pretty hot.” Skye said as she brushed a bit of mud off of his jacket.

“A.C.?” Mabel muttered as she used the stones to climb to Baba Yaga. Not that it mattered. With a smile, the dirt was handed back over to Baba Yaga, who vanished. “Okay, let's celebrate at the Mystery Shack!”

“Let's not.” May said as she dropped Fitz and Simmons. “I don't do parties.”

“Oh, come on, you just need some stickers!” Mabel began to ruffle inside her sweater.

“Mabel, I think we're okay. Besides, I need to change.” Dipper shrugged. “Before anyone like Pacifica sees me like this.”

“We really should go.” Ward added on, as he ran his fingers through his short hair to get the mud out. “I think we have more than enough information.”

“Well, you'd probably drum up business for Grunkle Stan. Are you sure you don't want to stay?” Dipper asked as he began to rub the paint off with the edge of the loincloth.

“Yeah, I'm pretty sure.” Simmons replied as she straightened her skirt. “Leo?”

“Jemma.” The two linked arms and walked off. The rest of the group followed.

**  
“Dipper! Mabel! You got mail! Air mail too, by the looks of it. I'm not paying for it, you know.” Grunkle Stan stamped into the TV room to throw the letter on Dipper's lap. Mabel looked up from her knitting to see the very odd stamp on the corner. An eagle, with the phrase “Vindicare” on a banner between it's claws. 

“Who's it from?” She asked. Dipper slowly began to open it. 

“Dear Dipper and Mabel Pines. I hope you remember me, my name is Phil Coulson-”

“Yeah, of course we do! He was the zombie, right?” She giggled, and Dipper turned to look at her.

“Mabel, quiet. Anyway... there we go.” Dipper cleared his throat. “I've decided to let you know something that you should have figured out. We were not newspapermen. We're actually secret agents.” The twins looked at each other with the same grins, then went back to reading. 

**  
“I shouldn't have to tell you that I don't allow pranks in reports.” Maria Hill looked over the report in front of her. “For starters, Coulson, while I'm aware you may have died at the hands of an alien pretending to be a norse god of magic, that does not allow you to blame mythical creatures for all incidents. May, you should know better than to misspell minotaur, and what are minotaurs even doing there anyway? FitzSimmons, we are more than reasonably sure video game characters can't leave video games. Though sentience is still on the table. And you, Ward, we NEVER pull our guns on civilians. And what is with this triangle guy?”

“What triangle guy?” Coulson finally asks. He leans over the table, and watches as Hill flips to a page in each person's report. In the corner, there is a little triangle with a tophat, a bowtie, one eye, arms, and legs. “I didn't draw it.”

“Coulson, I've seen you doodle. That's your style. Same with all of you.”

“Maria, I didn't draw it!” May ignored Coulson's protest and grabbed her file to stare at her own little pyramid man. 

“Well, you did. Everyone, I want a new report on my desk ASAP. And do it separately. No collaborating after this mess.” She waved her hands, and everyone left the room quietly. Or almost quietly. As each returned to their room for the report, they all independently began to hum a tune.

_Daaa dadaaaa da da dadaaa._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is that! Please let me know what you think, and thank you for being here all this time. Next up, a genre (and fandom) shift to "Here Comes the Bride" and I hope you'll be there for that one too. Thank you! (And in case you couldn't tell, that's supposed to be the Gravity Falls theme)


End file.
